I need to start this item with a polite warning:
This page may contain traces of comedy, and should not be read by anyone who has undergone a humour by-pass operation.
It’s also pretty mean to consultants, but if you are a consultant yourself, please don’t worry; I’ve written this piece nice and slowly because I know you can’t read very fast.
The growth in the number of consultants operating in Britain has now officially reached pandemic proportions. According to a report I made up, wherever you go in Britain now, you will never be more than twenty five metres away from a consultant. Or should that be a rat? Either way, it’s a pretty scary thought, isn’t it?
Speaking of rats, a different report that someone else made up has observed that clinical research laboratories are showing an increasing preference for using consultants rather than rats in their experiments. The report concludes that there are three main reasons for this trend:
1. Management consultants and now so plentiful that they are actually both cheaper than rats, and much easier to get hold of
2. Researchers have confirmed that they find they are much less likely to form any kind of emotional attachment to a consultant than to a rat.
3. Perhaps most importantly, as clinical research has become increasingly esoteric, it has become clear that rats actually have a certain degree of self-respect, and consequently there are some things that rats just refuse to do.
It isn’t all doom and gloom, though. This growth in consultancy business has led directly to a growth in the number of management consultant jokes.
Q. What do you call 100 management consultants at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean?
A. A bloody good start
Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A1 How many did it take last time?
A2 How much money have you got?
A3 How many do you think it should take?
A4 What do you mean by a light bulb?
A5 What do you mean by change?
A6 We recommend that you don’t change the bulb at all, but incorporate our bespoke workaround that involves re-defining darkness as the standard for that area
The following is officially recognised as the funniest joke ever made about consultants, with the obvious exception of consultants themselves (no joke could ever be as funny as all that, surely?)
A management consultant was driving along a country road in his company BMW when he saw a farmer tending sheep in a field. An idea came to him, so he parked in the gateway and gingerly walked across the field.
“Good afternoon sir! I have a small wager for you!”
“Oh yeah?” Replied the farmer, sceptically.
“I’d like to bet that I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in this field. If I’m right, I get to keep the sheep of my choice. If I’m wrong, you get to keep my lovely car.
“Okay, said the farmer. “You’re on!”
The consultant opened his brief case, got out his lap top, his I-phone, pressed a few buttons and announced:
“One hundred and thirty four!”
“Yup. You’re absolutely spot on. Help yourself to one of my flock.”
The consultant couldn’t believe his luck, and could scarcely wait to get to his hotel room with his new four-legged friend. He marched happily back to his car and started up the engine.
Just then, the farmer knocked on the window. The consultant pressed the down button and looked quizzically at the farmer.
“I’ve got a bit of a wager for you, if you’re interested.”
‘Fantastic!’ thought the consultant. ‘Maybe I’ll get another sheep!’
“I bet that I can correctly identify what you do for a living. If I’m right, I get my animal back, otherwise, you can have my whole flock.”
‘This is just too good to be true!’ thought the consultant.
“OK, you’re on!”
Quick as a flash, the farmer replied,
“You’re a management consultant.”
The consultant was crest-fallen.
“How on earth did you know that?”
“It was obvious. You come on to my property uninvited, tell me something I already know, and charge me for the privilege. Now give me back my sheep-dog!”
